but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
