I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
