These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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