Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i dont even know how to be here
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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