I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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