I love black thongs
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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