I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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