he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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