If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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