I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
