I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize