if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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