so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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