he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
