then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize