Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
