i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
