3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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