I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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