i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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