You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
