I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
