Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
