I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
