They should really pass out barf bags in church
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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