How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize