i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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