just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
