Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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