i would punch a child for taco bell
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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