there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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