The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize