My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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