1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize