you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
