Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
