So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
