apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
