Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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