I think I died a long time ago.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
