last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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