Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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