sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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