Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
