My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
