My Higher Power is John Stamos
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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