So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
