I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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