my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
