I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
