i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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