Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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