I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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