i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
