I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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