Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
