I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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